Project 3


The Author Ian Fleming’s secret notes on how to end WW2 were a compendium of ideas some profound some plain bonkers. He secretly kept them in a book on Fly Fishing; he nicknamed it his “Trout memo.”

This is my Trout Memo, nothing to do with WW2, but a book of stuff, unfinished songs, ideas for stories, spoof documentaries, hallucinogenic bingo. Eat after reading.

Trout Memo
e-book or PDF download available August 2017.

 Book Extracts:

“I am the one armed wrestler of the metaphor”

  1. I was shown mayan symbols in a grid called the Nine Exercises of Nature…. just by looking at them felt like a psychological vitamin pill. You could tell the people who used this, all the trees around their area leaned towards their houses…it was a time thing…
  2. Ornaments/objects had USB ports, you downloaded personalities and loaded them into objects, was a good idea until a tin of paint contracted the Tommy Cooper Virus.
  3. I have choice nasal hairs
    Called The Pinkertons
    And they sing when I sneeze…

Ricky Gervais/Martin Landau in a sitcom set in a penthouse, a tiny square room set in the wall where a small guy called The Cheesecake narrates show.

The Lesson

I was standing at the bus stop and this guy asks

“Have you ever killed anyone?”

I paused and said “Yeah…everyday…I kill myself with self doubt”

There was a round of applause

He quickly ate a bag of crisps and exploded

But it was a damp firework type of explosion

I ushered his ashes into a discarded motoring glove

Left by a passing ghost on stilts…

And buried it in the nearby field…. I consequently missed my bus

And with forlorn hesitance I suggest, never talk to strangers at bus stops

I’ve also told my inner demons to start paying rent.

Plans for World Domination 1: Buy an Atlas

I’ll rob a bank one day but have to wait till the Moon is in Gemini and Uranus is semi sextile to Mars…


The Unwanted Ghost

Such a chore living with a ghost he can’t pick up the remote honestly it’s a nightmare… he’s a Medieval Knight with a penchant for Attenborough documentaries and his horse leaves phantom poos.

He clanks around during the night, he’ll have to start and chip in with the rent and leccie bill.
He keeps going on about the Battle of Shadon Hill… So I researched it in the local library and he wasn’t even there at the battle… he hid in a Barn… Thats why he leaves the room whenever Country File comes on…
He’s started accompanying me to the pub.
He’s dying to sing Karaoke but thats just a step too far.
I was thinking of hiring him out to Lumley Castle so he can earn his keep.

just read an article on 10 symptoms relating to manic depression, i said “thats me” on the same website was the recipe for a lemon cake, i said “thats me too..” finally a label… i’m a literary confused manic depressive lemon cake!

The Unicorn Stalker:
Everyday it’s on the bus
giving me the eye.
Creeps me out.
Smiling menacingly, the pink terrorist.
I contemplated getting another bus, but you know what? I feel I’ve been groomed by it’s cuddly nuances.
We have a dinner date next weekend, I’ll find it’s zip, pull out it’s foam.